Telling your partner

    Telling your partner that you have genital herpes may be one of the hardest things you have ever considered doing. You may feel angry if you think they gave it to you, or guilty if you think you have passed the virus on to them.

    Only you can judge when and if to tell your partner. Though it is difficult, there are many good reasons to tell your partner that you have genital herpes:

    • If your partner is uninfected you can reduce the risk of passing on the virus, by having safer sex.
    • If your partner does have the virus, then they may want to get medical treatment.
    • In the long term, lying about your outbreaks or trying to hide them from your partner will burden you with secrecy and guilt.
    • Telling your partner the truth shows that you trust and care about them.

    link.GIF (999 bytes) See Also - Living with genital herpes
         How to avoid spreading the disease

    Before you approach your partner, deal with your own emotions. Remember that genital herpes is a simple viral infection, and is nothing to feel guilty, dirty or embarrassed about. It is not your fault. People do not necessarily get genital herpes because they have a lot of sexual partners. It is possible to catch the disease even in a monogamous, long-term relationship, because a person can unknowingly have the virus for years without noticing an outbreak.

    A positive attitude will help you to cope with herpes, and trying to protect your partner is something to be proud of.

    Learn as much as you can about herpes before you tell your partner, so you will be prepared to answer their questions and ease their worries. It may help to talk things through with a doctor, nurse or counsellor before you tell your partner. They can help you get the facts straight, and put things into perspective. You can also use telephone help lines or support groups for advice and encouragement.

    link.GIF (999 bytes) See Also -For more information
         Patient association, details and helplines


    It might help to keep these points in mind when you do tell your partner:

    • Try to emphasize the positive fact that you are being honest, even though it is hard. Let your partner know you are telling the truth because you care. Don't make it sound like an apology.
    • Be prepared for the possibility of rejection, at least at first.
    • Remember that your partner will feel as emotional and confused as you did, when you first heard the diagnosis. Expect a lot of questions.
    • Explain that medical treatment is available, and that safer sex makes passing the infection on less likely.